I began my
assessment with my resentments and anger. Who and what was
I angry at, people, places, situations, anything I could think
of. I listed it ALL, for I was advised that an honest and
thorough assessment was necessary. For each and every
situation, I thought about how it affected me. Did it
affect my self-esteem, my pride, my relationships, my ambition,
my security? Through this, I realized people were often
wrong. For me, it had always stopped right there.
They were wrong and I was angry. This was only causing me
unhappiness. By permitting myself to stay angry, I was
wasting precious moments of my life. This anger was
shutting me off from the sunlight of the Spirit. I was
prepared to look at my resentments in another way. I
realized that the people I was angry at, were as spiritually
sick as I was. I asked God to help me to show them
tolerance and patience, the same as I would give to a friend who
was perhaps sick with cancer. I put these people out of my
mind, and just looked at my own behavior. Where had I been
wrong. Where had I acted out of selfishness and
fear. I admitted my faults honestly, and a great thing
happened. I became willing to make to set some of these
matters straight. I was beginning to see that the key was
forgiveness.
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Excerpt
from: "The Heart of the Matter"
by Don Henley
These
times are so uncertain,
There's a yearning undefined,
people filled with rage.
We
all need a little tenderness
How can love survive
in such a graceless age?
The
trust and self-assurance
that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride
and competition
cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
doesn't keep me warm
I'm
learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I'd figured out
I have to learn again
I've
been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But everything changes
and my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
There
are people in your life
who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you;
life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger;
it'll eat you up inside
I've
been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
and my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me
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Anger is
based in fear, so the next step was to look at my fears.
Was I afraid and, if so, what was I afraid of? Fear of not
being loved, fear of being alone, fear of losing my security,
fear of disagreements, fear of anger. (That list goes on
and on and on!) I determined that,
because of my fear, I would do anything to "keep the
peace". Every time I did that (and I did it a LOT),
that anger stayed with me. It grew and grew, until it
festered into a poison, that was slowly eating away at my
spirit, corroding my very soul. (This is a condensed
version, it was a long and painful fact-finding and fact-facing
process). The conclusion, one which was a beginning to
setting my spirit free, was that I needed to be free of anger,
and in order to do that, I had to look at my fears.
Fear is a
powerful and cunning emotion. It robs us, steals from us
the gifts we could be available to receive, were we not afraid
to take risks. Therefore, I inventoried my fears, listed
them all. Then I asked myself why I had them. Was it
not because I was afraid I would fail myself? I realized
that I had been relying completely on myself, and I was failing
over and over again. To overcome fear, I was going to have
to look outside of myself, turn to a Power Greater than myself
with my fears. Some may think spirituality is the way of
weakness, I don't buy that. It takes great courage to have
faith. It takes great courage to trust a God of our
understanding. I asked the God of my understanding to
remove my fears and to direct me toward what He would have me
be.
Through this
process I came to believe that faith could do for me, what I
could not do for myself. I was already beginning to
feel that "glow" around my spirit. My chest felt
as if it would burst. I shared this with my dear friend
and spiritual guide. She reassured me that I was
experiencing the beginning of a spiritual rebirth. She
shared her experience with me and told me that, through
continuing this process, one day my spirit would burst free and become my driving force.
Even at this early stage in the process, I had already begun to
feel some of the rewards. I was planted firmly on this
path, and it felt wonderful, there was no turning back, I had
moved beyond the turning point. I
had made a beginning, but there was still more to this, it is a
process not an event.
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