I've been sitting here trying to come up with the words to express what I was feeling as I left my house to go to meet him.  There are so many different things, I'll try to express them as best I can.  Afraid, for SO many reasons, fear of my own weaknesses for the most part.  I had no idea what was going to be said, its so hard walking into the "unknown".  Fear that I would not be able to keep my feet firmly planted in the path I was walking on with God.  So I prayed for God to move my feet in the direction he would have me go, despite my fears.  I was also very sad, about all the damage that had been done to the love we had once shared.  We had taken that love and sucked the very life out of it.  The difference was, that I was now able to see that we were both at fault for that.  I was no longer the "victim" in the relationship, I was there on equal footing, it was the only way I could have gone through with it.  Of course I still portrayed myself the victim to him, for whatever reasons, I needed him to understand just how deep the hurt was.

All of that was futile, in the end, but I wanted to express the feelings to you.  See, what I really didn't fully understand, was that he was doing the same thing I had been doing, walking the path of the same twelve steps, and had asked me to dinner in order to make his amends.  

He was different.  I could see it in his eyes.  He was hurting so deeply for the harm he had caused, and for the loss we were sharing.  I listened to what he had to say and my spirit was touched so deeply, those words were from his heart, from a place deep within his spirit.  His journey through the steps had changed him.  Although he was physically the same person, his spirit was guiding him, and the changes were so obvious.  It was real, as those kind of changes you can't fake.  They come from a Power Greater than Ourselves.

Although I could not admit it to him at the time, (I told my spiritual guide as I kept in close touch with her as promised!) I fell in love with him again that weekend.  I probably didn't even admit that much to myself, I was so afraid of losing what I had gained on my journey through the steps.  I really don't remember much of what I said to him, although I know I gave him some hope.  I knew I was not ready to jump back into the relationship at that point (I still had some more of this journey to walk alone with God), but I guess I stopped saying "no never".  

In reflection, somewhere deep inside my spirit, I was beginning to feel that we were doing exactly what God wanted.  He was preparing us for this reunion.  We made peace with the past over that weekend.  We made promises to keep on the journey we were walking, leaving the results to the God of our understanding.  We stopped letting who hurt who more, or who did more wrong be the guiding force of our relationship.  God stepped in with his loving arms and gave us love again.  God and love were now the guiding forces of our relationship.  

It was an emotional meeting, one that was very sad for me.  I cried a lot.  It was so sad to realize how much damage was done.  Even sadder to realize, the love we had was still so deep.  I didn't know if it was repairable or not, I just knew it hurt so bad it felt like my insides were turned out.  So we held on to the moment God had given us.  We felt blessed to have been given the opportunity to find peace between us.  We were grateful for the moment of time we had been given and for the ability to be able to touch each other spirit to spirit, and most of all to heal.  We heard this song on the radio while we were together in this God-given moment of time.  I think it explains it all.

"Don't Wanna Miss a Thing"
Performed by Aerosmith
Click the |>| play button to hear the music

Once again, we walked away from each other.  We both knew we had to.  He was on his path, and I was on mine.  If it was God's will, our paths would meet again, in God's time.  I remember being so sad, hurting so much, I can still feel the pain today as I sit here and write this.  Sometimes, doing the next right thing hurts.  This was one of those cases.  I didn't know if I would ever see him again.  I don't believe I had the strength to walk away, I believe God picked me up and carried me that day, as I could never have done that for myself. 

You see, patience is not something that comes easily for this woman.  Whatever I see that I want, I want RIGHT NOW.  I don't want to have to earn it.  There is a huge lesson to learn, that something earned is something cherished, as I cherish all the blessings I have in my life today, and there are many!

Part Six - Peace and Contentment

The Hope Pages Dedication Page Offering of Hope Introduction Glow of Hope Stairway to Heaven Angels Among Us Part One - Decisions of the Heart Part Two - Assessment of Myself Part Three - Shared Secrets Part Four - Forgiveness and Amends Part Five - Reunion of Spirits Part Six - Content with Myself

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