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How did it
ever happen? How did it ever come to be that I can be faced
with life-changing decisions and have no idea how I feel, what
is the right thing for me, what is the best decision.
Who am I? What do I want to do with my life? What is my
purpose?
Those are just some of the
thoughts I had, when I stood at the turning point. The
turning point, when you know that you either need to change,
or your wounded spirit will die from neglect. Spirits
need nurturing in order to thrive.
Do I dare? Do I take
the risk and break down all the walls, take off the protective
"coat of armor" that I had built around my spirit,
do I dare take the chance? Fear tells me that I'll get
hurt, that the world is not a safe place, that every time I've
let down my guard and put myself "out there", inevitably someone
has taken advantage of that, and I've gotten hurt. So
hurt, that now I don't even know how to open up anymore.
The pain is too deep.
Then I realized, that I am
responsible. No one can take my spirit from me, unless I
allow them to. It occurred to me that my spirit was
being held hostage, and that I was the only one that was going
to be able to allow it to be free again. Hence, the
turning point. Do I live in fear, which is what I am
doing by allowing my spirit to be held hostage?
Realizing that I cannot go on
like this, I see no alternative. I must remove myself
from the role of being the "victim" and take my life
back. You see, there really is no choice. We
either take our lives back, or we die. Maybe not
physically die, but an emotional and spiritual death. Without our spirits, are we REALLY alive
anyway?
It was at this time, that I heard a song on the
radio, one which I had not heard in a while. It touched me
so deeply. Then I saw a show on TV, a VH-1 Storytellers
episode about Stevie Nicks. She told the story of how she
came to write that song. She was a
young woman and wanted to try to pursue a career in
music. Her father wanted her to go to college. So
they made an agreement. He would give her six months to
pursue her dreams. At the end of that six months, if no
success, she
would go to college. Well, we all know what happened
with Stevie, she became one of rock's legendary women.
She had taken the risk. She was afraid, just as I was,
but she didn't let those fears stand in her way. I
listened to that song a lot. It gave me strength and
inspiration. |
Click the |>| "play" button below to
hear an excerpt from the song.
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"Landslide"
by Stevie Nicks
Oh
mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides,
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
Hmm hmm I don't know.
Hmm hmm, hmm hmm
Well I've been afraid of changing,
cuz I built my life around you.
But time makes you bolder,
children get older.
and I'm getting older too.
So,
take this love, take it down,
Oh, if you climb a
mountain
and you turn around,
if you see my reflection
in the snow-covered hills,
well the landslide will bring it down ...
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So, where and how did I
begin? First, I had to get honest with myself, about the
things that were keeping my spirit hostage. I had to be
willing to face those things which blocked my spirit from getting
the sunlight it needed to grow and thrive. That is just what I did. It was not easy,
I had to separate myself from the relationships in my
life. I had allowed people to think for me, tell me
how I should feel, convince me that their opinions were my
opinions, etc.. I had to break free of all of those
relationships, as it was the only way. On a
Saturday evening, with a friend who held my hand, I made the
decision. The first major decision I had made for
myself in a long time. That decision was that I would
let go of my relationship for six months. That I would
spend that time, getting to know me.
The next
thing I had to do was to develop a belief in a Power
Greater than Myself. That wasn't too difficult.
I really had no other choice. I knew that, left to my
own devices, I was never going to be able to break free.
I was going to need a miracle. It started out as just
a tiny little belief, perhaps even just a "hope".
I was reassured this was all I needed to get started.
So, I
made another decision. A decision that was to be
life-changing for me. In the company of people who
understood and supported what I was doing, I offered my will
and my life to the God of my understanding, to build with me
and do with me as was His will. I prayed to be
relieved of the bondage of self, that I may better do His
will. I asked him to help me overcome my difficulties,
that victory over them may inspire others to seek his power
and love. I was, at last, ready to abandon myself to
the God of my understanding. It was only a beginning,
but I felt the effects at once. I became willing to
take an honest assessment of myself, an
"inventory" of who I was, what were my strengths,
what were my weaknesses.
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"Painting is ŠTom Sierak and
used with his permission by
Moon And Back Graphics to construct this
set"
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